Did you need to see an aging Kirk Douglas shower with Farrah Fawcet in her prime while also in space? Or what about naked Kirk Douglas fighting off Harvey Keitel? Well, buddy, you're in luck because today's B-Movie for B-Movie Boys may have been made specifically for you. Let's talk about the critically panned B-movie Saturn 3.
Stanley Donen directed this notoriously cheap 1980 science fiction flick about two lovers in space who are stationed at a space station near Saturn, in the asteroid fields. It was based on an idea by Jorn Barry who was a designer on iconic 1970s films like A Clockwork Orange and Star Wars. STAR WARS. Ever heard of it? Naturally, with that kind of track record, people are bound to take you seriously. When he pitched this idea to Stanley Donen, Donen suggested that John Barry direct it, but the script and the production as a whole wound up going through a lot of changes - including a change of director when Donen replaced Barry. Always a bad sign there. Barry had little-to-no experience being on set which became evident during the shooting days, so he had to be fired when the actors had trouble respecting him on set. They smelled new blood like wolves in the woods! Donen stepped in and allegedly took the movie in a new direction which rubbed some of the actors the wrong way. The movie was made with a British production team and an American cast that includes Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett. The cast is rounded out with Harvey Keitel for a threesome that brings the tension way up in space. In space, no one can hear you scream...but they can hear you cream when you check out Kirk in the shower.
Kirk and Farrah have been in space for three years when Harvey gets introduced into the mix. Farrah has actually - somehow - spent most of her life in space, so humanity as a whole is a foreign concept to her. When Keitel comes up to the space base, his presence is certainly strange to her. Things are made a lot worse when we find out that Harvey Keitel's character was rated "potentially unstable" on a mental exam, but he stole a space cargo ship and departed for this research station in Saturn's asteroid belt anyway. Huh. Seems like a bad idea? For the humans? Who are already there? We'll see!
It obviously is a terrible idea with Harvey's character essentially being absolutely out of his orbit the entire time. He prepares a robot on the space station to do his bidding which makes him far more dangerous as he tries to take over the space station and, presumably, take over space. It's hard to tell what he wants for sure. God, I love B-movies for that. What is ever happening? I'll tell you what is definitely happening: Kirk Douglas being a full-on zaddy. Kirk Douglas gets into a wildly nude fight with Harvey Keitel and it is really hard to believe that we don't get to see his cock and balls, but it feels like we get REALLY close. Check out his pubes:
Fun fact: Harvey Keitel called this movie "the nadir of his career" according to his biographer which might sound pretty harsh, but he apparently had a difficult relationship with Donen and nearly everyone else on set. But, hey, it's nice to know that his career did pick back up after this. Harvey's really done it all, too. Never forget that he has shown his cock a couple of times.
Let's go back to talking about Saturn 3. Like a lot of other sci-fi B-movies, critics did not love it. The film currently holds a 25% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes and Roger Ebert gave the movie only one star because of its "shockingly low" intelligence level in which the movie appeared to straight-up disregard laws of physics. Hey, relax, Ebert. It was just a movie! Another review from Ares Magazine said that the producers and directors of the film may have had limited imaginative visions for this sci-fi flick, but "the audience doesn't". Okay, damn. That's quite the read. The movie was nominated for three Golden Raspberry Awards at the first-ever Razzies, but it was beaten by Can't Stop the Music.
The movie would up getting an edit and re-release in 1984 when it aired on NBC. This version inserted scenes that had been previously edited out which seemed to suggest the original version of the movie made more sense than what was released in theaters. Still, this updated version couldn't save the movie from being remembered forever for being a goofy little piece of trash. Sweet, delicious trash! Those are the kinds of B-movies I love. Don't you? Bask in the glory of Kirk's full moon in this scene here:
