The 1970s and B-movies are a match made in horrible film heaven and one of the most famous of those films is undoubtedly Zardoz. If you googled "best bad movies" right now, Zardoz would definitely be on that list. This 1974 science fiction flick seemed like it should have been a major blockbuster hit, but everything went so devilishly wrong. The best part? It stars a young, hot Sean Connery. Even a major starlet like Sean couldn't save this movie from being a perfect piece of garbage. So let's take a look at Zardoz starting with this trippy trailer that tells us nothing:
Hoooooboy. Here we go! If you're anything like me, you are shouting "Zardoz!" to yourself all day long after watching that trailer. Now let's get into the film. John Boorman directed this 1974 cult classic that tops basically every so bad-it's-good-list. Boorman had previously made the critically acclaimed Deliverance and then decided he wanted to very loosely adapt Lord of the Rings. Like, very loosely. It didn't really work out due to budget, but he became so into fantasy worlds that he and his screenwriter came up with this flick that takes place in the far-off year of 2293. It's already a far cry from Ned Beatty in the Oscar-nominated Deliverance.
Zardoz takes us to a post-apocalyptic future where humanity is divided into different class structures. We have the Brutals, The Exterminators, and the Eternals who are the elite immortals who just sort of vibe all day. The brutal are the low class of scruffy lil' survivors trying to do their thing and The Exterminators, well, exterminate. Extermination is their entire thing. They love guns and they worship their god. Does it already make sense? Great! It gets even more sense-making in a moment.
The Eternals control the Brutals and The Exterminators with the god they created named Zardoz who is a creepy stone head with glowing eyes. Yeah, I'd obey that big stone baby, too. Sean Connery dons a long black wig and a red speedo to play Zed the Exterminator which is a killer costume that is just begging to get a reference on the runway of RuPaul's Drag Race. Fun fact: Burt Reynolds was the first choice for the film, but he had to drop out due to an "illness". Sure. Still, I would have loved to see Burt in that little red thong number. 70s Burt? Oh, yes, please!
The movie starts with an explanation of the film given to us by a floating head with a drawn-on goatee, but it still doesn't really give us much. By the way this movie doesn't make any more sense if you are high, but the visuals do get 2% cooler. Worth it? I'll leave that up to you. Okay, moving on. Zardoz controls the Exterminators and orders them to kill the Brutals as a way to help control their population and keep the powerful, immortal women in charge. This is like the first ten minutes, by the way. And once again we are in a 70s movie that fears women in power. Ay ay ay. See also: B-movie The Baby.
By the way, the society here is a matriarchal one and Zardoz announces to his followers that the "penis is evil". Um, excuse us? Okay, so this is a horror flick? Zed doesn't like the whole "penis is evil" thing so he tries to figure out if this Zardoz god really is all-powerful which is when he discovers that the Eternals are the real ones in charge. He hangs out with the Eternals for a while and does some kind of psychedelics with them while learning about how their society works. We learn how his bulge works when he lays down on a table and gets his memories tapped.
From here it is a wild ride and there is a lot of nudity in the movie (from the women), we mainly stick to shirtless Connery. He seriously wears those little red panties for the whole movie. He tries to help some immortals who are tired of living by bringing them the "gift of death", but obviously the Eternals who are in charge are not into that idea at all. He soon learns about the truth behind their god and the society that he rebelling against (I think?). Conflict ensues! More fear of powerful women! More shirtless Sean Connery chest fuzz! That's basically the movie. If it makes sense to you, then congratulations you are in MENSA. The rest of us will focus on Sean in his little red panties and make sense of his bulge:
