The Counselor (2013)

With Ridley Scott directing and Cormac McCarthy writing the screenplay, it's pretty shocking that the star-studded South of the border crime drama The Counselor (2013) ended up getting trashed by critics. How could that duo spit out a dud? In the film, Michael Fassbender stars as the titular attorney, a greedy Texas lawyer known only as "The Counselor" who persuades his pal Reiner (Javier Bardem) to introduce him to the narcotics underworld in order to raise some quick cash for his upcoming wedding to the beautiful but naive Laura (Penelope Cruz). He's a smart guy who has seen plenty of drug dealers go down in his time as a lawyer, so The Counselor thinks he'll be able to use his brain to stay one step ahead of all those narcotic selling nimrods. But that law degree doesn't compare much to one from the school of hard knocks, so The Counselor completely fails to anticipate how Reiner's wild bisexual girlfriend Malkina (Cameron Diaz) plans to throw herself in the mix. She decides to murder The Counselor's hired drug mule (Richard Cabral) steal the drugs, leaving The Counselor on the hook for all sorts of cartel money. Is he going to run for the hills and hope they don't kill Laura, get the drugs back from Malkina somehow, find the money to pay the cartel back and hope they're cool with it, or end up on the wrong end of one of those stomach-turning cartel snuff films? No matter what happens to The Counselor, the moral of the story is that rich gringos should stick to white collar crime! We don't get any ass bent over from Mr. Fassbender, but we do get to see his meaty chest when he's lying on a hotel room floor thinking about how things went so wrong for him. He's having a total breakdown, but Mr. Man would be happy to go down on him, if that would cheer him up. We know you won't object to us treating Mr. Fassbender like a sex object after watching The Counselor!