The River (1984)

The River hails from a time in Hollywood when even bad movies could be nominated for Academy Awards if they had enough prestige and star power behind them. The River generally was panned by critics yet still managed to garner five Oscar nominations, including Best Actress in a Lead Role for Sissy Spacek and Best Original Score for John Williams. Heck, it even won for Sound Effects Editing! I's this kind of minimal effort/maximum output that has so endeared this shitty movie to our hearts. The River is about a farming couple in the Tennessee Valley who have to confront poverty and severe storms and flooding in order to persevere. The husband is played by Mel Gibson, and he even has to get a job at a local steel mill in order to make ends meet and keep his family's property from being repossessed by crooked landlords. But we're not here to talk about The River because it's a bad movie. Far from it. We're here to talk about its complete lack of male nudity mamaw! Mel Gibson doesn't go nude at all! No men go nude in The River. Instead in one single scene Mel Gibson goes shirtless in the boudoir. He even strips down his pants to reveal his tighty whities, but, while we get a great look at his ass in his undies, he covers his crotch with the sheets while turning around - ensuring that we don't get a look at his bulge. As if this movie wasn't bad enough already. Thanks for nothing farm people.